Managing liars (Part One)

How do we deal with liars once they’re identified as such? What form will our relationship take with them? These are brave and important questions, and it’s a good thing that they don't stop at just asking “how to spot dishonesty”, but what to do with that knowledge. 

Human relationships are messy, and lying sits right at the intersection of trust, fear, insecurity, and self‑protection. There isn’t a single “correct” response, but there are patterns that should help us navigate it with clarity and self‑respect. We’ve seen before that not all lies and liars are the same. People lie for very different reasons and it’s important to understand the type of lying they use to helps us decide how to respond. 

Let’s start with the situational or fear-based liars, those who lie because they’re scared of consequences, embarrassment, or conflict. There is a figment of hope with that group as it can change, because some individuals usually feel guilt. In fact, they may lie less when they feel safe enough to be honest. Next, we have the habitual liars, those who lie reflexively, even when the truth would be easier. They’ve often learned lying as a coping mechanism and if they’re willing and able to put in the effort, they might change, but I wouldn’t bet the farm on it.

The following and scarier group are the manipulative or self-serving liars who lie to control, exploit, or gain advantage. These are dangerous dudes. They rarely change without major consequences or professional help, so don’t ever touch them with a ten foot pole! That brings me to the subject of whether or not we should consider working with someone who lies. 

 This might be tried, but only with boundaries. We could work with someone who uses fear-based or minor lies, if they acknowledge their behavior, show consistent effort to improve, and we are clear-headed about what to expect and can live with the consequences. Clearly, do not work with someone who lies if they use it to manipulate outcomes, deny or justify their flaw and use them to harm others or undermine trust in the team. 

If a liar ever is a candidate for working in a professional setting, the key is structure with documented agreements in writing what the expectations are and there can’t be any reliance on verbal assurances alone. This isn’t punishment — it’s protection. 

Tomorrow, we’ll see if we can continue any relationship with liars. Could we be stay friends with them? Reform them? Or should we just shun them?