Managing liars (Part Two)

So we know one or a few confirmed liars. What are we going to do with them? Attempt to reform them, put them in the fridge, hope for some miracle or exile them faraway? What kind of relationship will we choose to carry on with them in the future, if any? 

If we still want to be friends with someone who lies, remember that friendship requires trust. If someone’s lying erodes that trust, the friendship becomes lopsided and unsafe. Can we even be friends with a liar if the untruths told are small, infrequent, or rooted in insecurity? Maybe, if the individual is willing to talk about it, show remorse and grow out of the practice. 

All of this is theory, instead I tend to go with “Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me” a 17th century proverb, advising that while being deceived the first time is the offender's fault, being fooled again is the victim's fault for not learning from the experience. So, I can’t be friends with a liar if I must feel anxious around them or am constantly second-guessing what they say.

This holds also true if we see them lying to manipulate or control, Just remember that friendship is voluntary; we don’t owe anyone access to our inner life. Then there’s the question as to whether liars can be reformed? The answer is NO for me, but could be YES, only if the truth manipulator wants to be. Let’s remember that people can change when they fully recognize the harm they’ve caused and feel safe enough to tell the truth. 

They must also be motivated to build healthier patterns and practice honesty even when it’s uncomfortable. People won’t change if they continue to see lying as a very effective tool, blame others for their behavior, deny their lying problem and continue to benefit from the deception it procures them. We can encourage honesty, but we cannot force integrity.

It’s up to the individual to decide, and I don’t know about you, but I’m still incapable of reading other people’s minds too well. Finally, should we shun liars or what level of access does this person’s behavior earn? Trust is not a moral judgment — it’s a calculation. We should certainly distance ourselves when someone’s lying consistently harms us or others. 

That’s not cruelty — it’s self-respect. What we shouldn’t do is humiliate or punish liars and declare them “bad people”. Instead we can choose to limit the access they have to us, not place ourselves in their way and don’t rely on them. Boundaries are not rejection, they’re clarity. 

Now, I hope you’ve got some useful tools to navigate the murky waters of dealing with a person whose proven track record was never to be reliant about telling the truth...