Distance and relationships

My wife and I have lived away from our respective families and old friends for more than 47 years. By away, we mean a continent apart. All of our families and friends were, and still are, in France. Recently, we were reflecting on how such a remoteness affects ties and brings with it a mixed bag of bad and good things. 

If we start with the negative side, it’s the absolute truth that by being apart, we care much less about each other. Talk about the classical “Out of sight, out of mind” and its implications. It’s clear that a lack of frequent personal contact weakens bonds and makes it harder to maintain a close relationships as daily routines, small events, family episodes, good and bad, or even important milestones, may or will be missed. Then there are all the challenges attached to communications.

This was particularly tough during our first 20 years in America before the internet, as phone communications were still very expensive and we missed body language and spontaneous interactions to give us a full picture of what was going on. Conflicts, misunderstandings or family issues were not helped either by the distance. Also, our kids missed out greatly on grand-parental bonding and interactions. 

On the positive side, our remoteness from family helped us grow independently, allowing us to establish our own lives and identities. Living in a different country was also very enriching as it exposed us to another culture, language and experiences, thus broadening our small-town views of the world. It is said that distance can make hearts grow fonder, but that didn’t seem to be the case with our respective families. 

Finally, today’s technology partially bridges the gap: the internet, various apps, and social media help us stay connected and share experiences despite the physical distance. Beyond this, keeping the relationship alive demands lots of effort and attention on the expatriate party (that is us) as the rest of the family doesn’t understand or doesn’t feel as much the separation. 

Sure, the cost of traveling was discouraging; we had to take it all, and the “other side” could rationalize, “We didn’t make the decision to move overseas, so it shouldn’t be our problem to go and visit…” That’s why I do everything I can to pursue regular communication, phone calls, videos, or online messages to stay connected. 

The only problem with this is that many of the family members and friends that are my age aren’t at ease with technology, or just picking the phone up and calling us, to put it mildly. This has a huge impact on communication. There are of course visits that we’ve done regularly in spite of a glaring lack of reciprocal visits by our family and the majority of friends. 

So, you have it, it’s up to us, the expatriate, to remain proactive and constantly put in the effort to maintain some decent relationships, despite the distance...