No longer in Limbo

Yesterday, the Vatican announced the closure of limbo. The actual reason behind the shut down is hell overcrowding; a tri-party task force involving the housing authorities of purgatory, hell and heaven have been meeting for sometime to plan a massive remodeling of the so-called Inter-Hell-Heaven section that includes both limbo and purgatory. Limbo was an old storage space reconverted in the middle age into a special holding area for babies who died prior to receiving baptism. The place is rather small (compared to purgatory) and its infrastructure is no longer meeting code and requires a significant and expensive upgrade.

Lucy Siscistysis, Satan’s chief of staff stated, “hell was never planned for a global population of 6.5 billion people; it’s become overcrowded and it’s is time for us to expand; frankly, we could have used the entire purgatory as well.” Saint Peter, who couldn’t be available for an interview, indicated in a written statement that all small guests from limbo will in fact be relocated to purgatory where a vast nursery is being built. The communiqué quoted him as saying “there are key issues like insulation that must be addressed as we are moving the purgatory partition next to the ceramic firewall of hell."

One HVAC engineer who wished to remain anonymous went on a limb and added that overheating had always been a problem; he said temperature in purgatory was set not to exceed 82 degrees Fahrenheit (28 Centigrade) but that was rarely the case, compared to a more comfortable “San Diego” level of 72 Fahrenheit (22 Centigrade) in heaven. Once moved to purgatory, all babies may choose to grow up to an age of 21, then take the elevator to heaven as space becomes available and as their behavior allows it (heaven’s population has been recently dwindling due to massive out migration towards hell by guests seeking more diverse entertainment options.)