Handling negative folks

Someone asked me the other day how I deal with negative people; my first response was, ”I simply avoid them.” Of course, this is not realistic as most of these folks are often family, friend or colleagues, and there is little one can do to avoid them altogether; seeing them less frequently remains a valid option however. So, with this in mind, here are my “instructions for use” that I try to apply when I come in contact with these fascinating individuals.

1. Stop being yourself
There’s no way you can be transparent or totally open and spontaneous with these people. You know that in their presence you often are demeaned, constricted or attacked; as a result you intuitively feel unsafe, tense or on guard. Further, why not look at the entire situation as a “game” and have fun with it! For instance, create an “out-of-body experience” and witness what goes on around you as if you were “floating” out of yourself and hovering around the entire scene; this may sound silly, but if you can do it, it’s amazing how much of a difference it will make. You'll feel that negativity can’t touch you as you now are on a different plane and fully untouchable.

2. Don’t react to the provocation
Easier said than done, but that's precisely what angry or negative individual won't expect! Whenever the negative tirade starts just smile and don’t say anything. Try to stay completely detached and don’t jump in. If the attack is really nasty, leave the room if you can. Now, instead of reacting, take a moment, count to ten if you must, step back mentally and create some space between you and that negative attack. Just smile; the antagonistic individual is simply seeking a reaction from you. Most importantly, remain an outsider by keeping in mind that you haven’t created or caused the problem and it is not your fault. Don’t start feeling that you have to solve the problems of the “energy-drainer” as you’re not responsible for that person’s life or negativity.

3. Listen attentively to what is said
Get the emotion out of your mind, and focus at what is said in a cold, clinical manner. Listen intensely to understand the issue and see where the angry person is coming from. Often, in or behind the words, there's a clue as to what's really bothering negative folks. Listen for it carefully with all your senses as this might help you in formulating an appropriate response.

4. Respond very carefully
Start by acknowledging what you’ve heard; for instance: "I can see that you're not happy about this” or “that is an interesting opinion.” Then ask a clarifying question that could be: “What do you really mean by that” or "Tell me a bit more about your opinion on the matter?" Depending on the situation, and if the comment was somewhat complicated or very negative, repeat back what the person said; it could for example be: : "If I understand you correctly, you are concerned that _______. (Here, try to use some of the exact words used initially by the other person.) At this point you may also expand upon what has been said: "Based on what you told me, this would mean _____. Is that correct?" Ending with a question generally shows the other person that you're open to their concerns.

5. Legitimize and offer to explore solutions
This doesn’t mean that you agree with the negative person; for example, "I can certainly understand why you feel this way." Then shine some positive light by offering to explore solutions; this could be: "Would it be helpful for to you to consider what can be done to resolve this?" Of course, a negative response alerts you to the fact that the person really doesn't want to resolve anything! Notice that you didn't say "we" as this is precisely that person’s problem, not yours.

6. Establish and enforce your boundaries
When you've asked a fair question, you're entitled to a reasonable and courteous reply. If necessary, point out that your question was prompted by this person’s concern. Sometimes, you can ask: "What can I do to help?" Surprisingly, that might trigger a realization in the other person that it really isn't your responsibility to solve the problem. Occasionally, you'll encounter someone who just won't let go. They'll return to the same subject and start all over, or they'll throw a nasty, off the mark, accusation. The fact is, you've listened, acknowledged, explored, legitimized and offered, and that’s still not good enough. It’s time to say this: "I believe I understand your concern, and I've offered to help you reach a solution. What more do you want?" If the person becomes verbally abusive, you can simply say: "I'm sorry. I don't believe that I can help you any further, and I don't appreciate your tone. If you're going to speak to me in that manner, I'm afraid you'll have to work it out for yourself. I don't appreciate abuse."

7. Don’t be afraid to say “No”
Manipulative, open-ended questions are also a way to get you on the spot and force you to abdicate by saying “yes” because you’re a “nice person.” Don’t fall into that trap and if you feel that the answer should be no, say it. Further, you don’t have to explain why you’ve chosen to answer by the negative. This is your choice and your prerogative…

Now, good luck!