Hello, I’m jealous! (Part One)

Often, I wonder what triggers the feeling of jealousy? Is it innate and what dispositions makes it stronger with certain individuals? From what I have felt and observed, I’d say that jealousy isn’t random, and it isn’t a flaw either. It’s one of the oldest emotional systems we’ve evolved, signaling us to protect things that we feel essential, like relationships, status, belonging, identity, and security. 

I have experienced enough jealousy through my life to have grown familiar with that pesky monster every time I wasn’t feeling self-secured enough. In researching that feeling, we can understand what jealousy is trying to protect and it becomes far less mysterious. I’ve taken the time to look at that sneaky feeling and what I’ve found is that they’re human situations that will be guaranteed to trigger jealousy.

Almost all cases fall into one of these categories. First, a valued relationship is threatened, whether it is of romantic, familial, or friendly nature. For instance, if someone else gets attention when we feel it should be going to us, or if our partner seems drawn to another person or a friend invests more into someone else. These are classic cases, the jealousy we feel is like a guard dog that watches for what’s attached to us. 

Next there’s a form of jealousy we rarely admit, a threat to our status or our identity. In that situation, a colleague gets praised for something we normally excel at, or someone enters our social circle with a skill we’re known for. Another instance is a co-worker that succeeds in a domain tied to our self-worth. In all these situations our jealousy acts as a protector of what makes our specific identity or strength. 

Another category is a threat to our resources, whether they are emotional, social, or material. For example, someone else gets the job we were hoping for, a sibling receives a larger share of an inheritance or a coworker gets more access to the big boss. All these cases respond to perceived scarcity. Finally, there’s the threat of belonging. 

We’re tribal animals and we don’t want to be excluded. So we get jealous when we’re being left out of plans or of team, when we’re not invited to a party, when we see others bond without us or feel we’re replaced in a working group. This tells us that we’re socially displaced. This pretty much sets the stage for the causes of jealousy and in the next blog, we’ll see how jealousy gets inside us.