Hello, I’m jealous! (Part Two)

After we’ve seen what jealousy is, we could ask ourselves where does it come from? The first question that crossed my mind was if the feeling of jealousy innate? The answer seems to be YES and deeply so. Across cultures, ages, and even species, jealousy appears in predictable patterns. 

One is evolutionary, as it serves us to protect the traditional family cell and ensure parental investment, as well as maintaining our social rank and preventing any loss of resources. It’s not a moral failing; it’s an ancient alarm system that might misfire in modern life and culture.

Jealousy is also not created equal as some of us individuals feel more jealous than others. This is where it gets interesting. I discovered that jealousy isn’t just about the situation, it’s about how our thinking works and how we feel emotions. Some personal dispositions can amplify jealousy, the ways we get attached. 

For instance if it’s anxiety, we feel the strongest jealousy. If we avoid attachment, it’s suppressed but still present. On the other hand if our attachment is secure, we feel the jealousy but it doesn’t dominate us. The stability of our self-esteem also affects our feelings. When I was younger, my self-esteem was weak and this led me to countless flares of jealousy. 

However when success came and gave me more confidence, I was far less prone to that sentiment. It’s clear that if our identity is tightly tied to a relationship, a social or professional role, a skill or any specific position, so any threat to these domains may trigger jealousy. Some of us are wired to track hierarchy and belonging more acutely than others, and can feel shifts in attention or status like a draft in a room. 

Finally, our brain is learning on the go and picking up patterns, so our past experiences of loss or betrayal teaches our brain that jealousy can be used as a guardrail to make sure that none of these past situations happen again. I would add that if we’ve experienced poverty at some moment in our lives, like it’s been my case, we’ve developed a sense of scarcity. 

So, if we think that love is scarce, opportunities are scarce and attention is scarce, jealousy becomes a default reaction. To conclude, I propose a better way to think about jealousy. Let’s not treat it as a problem, but as data. Jealousy always answers one of these questions: 

• What am I afraid of losing? 
• What part of my identity feels threatened? 
• What scarcity am I perceiving? 
• What story am I telling myself about my worth? 
• What past wound is being reactivated? 

If we can train ourselves to decode these different signals, the jealousy we feel becomes a map rather than a trap. Tomorrow, we’ll talk about Envy, that special cousin of Jealousy...