Is American friendship mostly transactional?

As far as I’m concerned, I count many more deep friends from Europe that I left 48 years ago, than I have managed to create in America, and I can’t help but think that it must be due to the fact that on the old continent, friendships develop and remain because of mutual and direct appreciation, than because of business or related interest that don’t stand the test of time and evolving personal relationships. 

In fact, many observers and studies seem to indicate that American friendships tend to be more compartmentalized and transactional than their European counterparts, often shaped by mobility, individualism, and professional networks. This perception (and reality as well) shows that Americans often distinguish between “work friends,” “gym friends,” “school friends,” and so forth, with each relationship tied to a specific context. 

This does limit the emotional depth and longevity of the friendship. Then, there’s the sheer size of the country that creates a high geographic mobility. People move for jobs, school, or lifestyle, disrupting long-term friendships and encouraging short-term, functional connections. 

Of course, there’s the individualism and self-reliance aspect of life, that American culture prizes so much and that goes again a lasting friendship that often feels uncomfortable and sometimes, burdensome. American professional and social spheres also encourage relationships built around mutual benefits, pushing friendships toward utility rather than emotional intimacy. 

On the other hand, most European cultures, and Latin societies in particular (like France) foster friendships rooted in shared history and locality. The fact that French are less geographically mobile means friendships often span decades, grounded in shared experiences and community. There’s also less pressure to “network” or maintain a social persona. 

Friendships are often built slowly, with fewer, but much deeper connections. In cultures like France and Italy, or even Germany, friendships often involve family, emotional support, and philosophical conversation instead of focusing solely on shared activities. This may change to and slip towards a form of Americanization. 

One could say that “In Europe, friendship is a slow-cooked stew that’s rich, layered, and holds into one stomach. In America, it’s often more like fast-food, satisfying, but fleeting.”

So hard to keep in touch!

If there’s a person who knows a few things about keeping the contact going with old friends and relatives in spite of distance, time, embarrassment and other weird considerations, I must be the one. It’s a subject I know very well for having practiced it over an extended period of time, say, almost half a century! It’s a subtle art of mixing vulnerability, specific intentions, enough forgiveness not to mention a good sense of humor to keep it light. 

This is a short overview of how I’m doing it. It start with reaching-out intentionally. I see something very specific, I think of a friend and say to myself “Robert would love seeing that” and I quickly pass it on to him. It’s also often over special occasions like birthdays or reminiscences of all kinds, or even a random “do-you-remember” day, all these are great excuses to break the silence. 

I keep it warm and simple and my message goes right to the heart of that person. I don’t hesitate either to acknowledge my interminable “news black-out”, instead of avoiding it. I don’t have to apologize as one sincere nod to the time-gap is enough. Most of all, I focus on overcoming embarrassment or “weirdness” factors to address any awkward event that might have happened in the past, like anger, misunderstood feelings or drifting away and just acknowledge with gracious and appropriate humor. 

After a relationship is reignited, I let consistency rebuild it, not intensity as it should redevelop organically. In most cases the “glue” I use is shared interests or memories, things I cared about and shared with that person. Finally, I’m not afraid to challenge my vulnerability by saying why I’m reaching out: Whether it’s nostalgia, needing support, or curiosity, honesty builds bridges and clears up the messiness of the process: “I wasn’t sure how to reach out, but I didn’t want to lose touch!” 

Remember, staying in touch is one the best preventive medicine available to all of us and if you value relationships and want to rekindle old ones, try to follow these steps. At the very least, give it a try!

A wonderful surprise visit!

Bill Bocquet, my only French schoolmate who lives in the US, stopped by this past Wednesday to visit us in Park City and we showed him around town to make him envious of our colorful Fall foliage, catch up and reconstruct the world. We had not seem him in person since 2003, so it was time for us to finally get together. 

The day was beautiful and the moments spend together too short, but almost instantly this impromptu get together morphed into a working session. That's how we came to consider building a retirement home for our alumni friends of the ENH (National School of Watchmaking) in Cluses, probably around the freeway and the old Carpanos Pons factory. 

It’s going to be located in the toughest part of this unforgiving valley pummeled by ice-cold weather in winter, unbearable heat in summer and situated in the middle of a strong wind draft blowing though the narrow canyon, as a way to test our comrades endurance, and verify Friedrich Nietzsche’s famous words: “That which does not kill us makes us stronger.” 

The place will include a clarinet school headed by Jean-Marie Peyrin, an art section under Mychel Blanc’s guidance, electric walkers everywhere, and even a small business school section of continuing education headed by Michel Deletraz who would admonish his students to trade their conviction for some solid certainty. 

Bill agreed to be in charge of financing that institution and I forced him to let me work on its architectural design. To be continued down the road...

Quentin Chauplannaz 1986-2024

Quentin was the son of my friends François and Christine Chauplannaz, from Morzine, France. I spent five seasons working as a ski instructor alongside Francois, and even though I didn’t know his son Quentin that well, I had met him several times when I visited his parents during our short stays in the French Alps. 

He was a young man overflowing with vitality, kindness and enthusiasm. Quentin was married to Marlène and together they had two daughters, Ambre 6, and Garance 4. On the morning of Monday, July 8, Quentin was killed when the old, restored Jeep he was driving went off a mountain road. No one knows exactly what happened. 

Was it a mechanical problem with the 80 years old vehicle, did he lose consciousness or was he distracted by something he saw, his phone or some other thing? No one seems to know and no one may ever know the cause of this violent accident. 

What is certain is the tragedy it is bringing to his two young daughters, spouse and parents. Our deepest condolences to everyone in this heartbroken family.

Disagreeing agreeably?

Someone we know in France with whom we occasionally communicate emailed me one of these typical propaganda videos in French, just a few days ago, featuring a Frenchman criticizing NATO, the United States and the world community for harassing the Russian nation and Putin, its leader. 

I researched who that man was and found out that it was a former member of the French military as well as a businessman trading with Russia, but better known as a Kremlin propagandist spreading disinformation about the Russo-Ukrainian conflict and standing as a staunch supporter of Putin. 

I then answered my friend’s message like so: “Thank you for sharing this video. I hope your entire family is doing well. In these times, I always check the sources of information that happens to reach me. In case you don't know this, the author of the piece you sent me is…” I went on to say that his ideas weren’t my cup of tea. Unrelenting, she then responded to me that NATO and America were “shit” and putting the world in harm’s way.

At that point I could have responded “We each have our opinions, and perhaps, let’s both agree to disagree and life will go on smoothly for the both of us.” I chose instead to put a stop to an exchange that I deemed totally unproductive and a waste of my precious time. Would you have done the same or if not, how would you have handled the whole thing?

Distance and relationships

My wife and I have lived away from our respective families and old friends for more than 47 years. By away, we mean a continent apart. All of our families and friends were, and still are, in France. Recently, we were reflecting on how such a remoteness affects ties and brings with it a mixed bag of bad and good things. 

If we start with the negative side, it’s the absolute truth that by being apart, we care much less about each other. Talk about the classical “Out of sight, out of mind” and its implications. It’s clear that a lack of frequent personal contact weakens bonds and makes it harder to maintain a close relationships as daily routines, small events, family episodes, good and bad, or even important milestones, may or will be missed. Then there are all the challenges attached to communications.

This was particularly tough during our first 20 years in America before the internet, as phone communications were still very expensive and we missed body language and spontaneous interactions to give us a full picture of what was going on. Conflicts, misunderstandings or family issues were not helped either by the distance. Also, our kids missed out greatly on grand-parental bonding and interactions. 

On the positive side, our remoteness from family helped us grow independently, allowing us to establish our own lives and identities. Living in a different country was also very enriching as it exposed us to another culture, language and experiences, thus broadening our small-town views of the world. It is said that distance can make hearts grow fonder, but that didn’t seem to be the case with our respective families. 

Finally, today’s technology partially bridges the gap: the internet, various apps, and social media help us stay connected and share experiences despite the physical distance. Beyond this, keeping the relationship alive demands lots of effort and attention on the expatriate party (that is us) as the rest of the family doesn’t understand or doesn’t feel as much the separation. 

Sure, the cost of traveling was discouraging; we had to take it all, and the “other side” could rationalize, “We didn’t make the decision to move overseas, so it shouldn’t be our problem to go and visit…” That’s why I do everything I can to pursue regular communication, phone calls, videos, or online messages to stay connected. 

The only problem with this is that many of the family members and friends that are my age aren’t at ease with technology, or just picking the phone up and calling us, to put it mildly. This has a huge impact on communication. There are of course visits that we’ve done regularly in spite of a glaring lack of reciprocal visits by our family and the majority of friends. 

So, you have it, it’s up to us, the expatriate, to remain proactive and constantly put in the effort to maintain some decent relationships, despite the distance...

As another Holiday Season ends…

The Christmas and New Year period is something we usually look forward to, but that quickly takes its toll on the most resilient of us. When it’s over, I tend to breathe more freely and reconnect with my precious routine and gladly return to our regular way of living. 

I think that when the Holiday Season is over, and when it involves being hosted, hosting and traveling, it gets the best out of us, leaving us exhausted and depleted. It’s now time to rest and recharge by beginning to take a mental vacation at least of the whole whirlwind of events. 

So, over the next few days, I’ll try to do just that by slowly easing back into my daily routine, without being too harsh about it. I’m now looking forward to the new snow in the forecast to resume skiing in good winter conditions, unlike the one we had to face until now with bad snow and huge crowds. 

One thing for sure is that I will eat and drink much less and that’s welcome news. I will also gently integrate my goals for the new year in taking my time to fine-tune them and make sure they fit well in my normal life. I can appreciate that it's normal to feel a bit down after the holidays, and I plan to be patient with myself and allow my body and mind enough time to recover. 

Hopefully this will work and if it doesn’t, I’ll ask you for further help!

Here comes the rainy day

Up until now, our trip has been basking in more than perfect weather, at least for a month of October in France. Temperatures were much warmer than seasonal ones and all was super dry, that was until this morning when rain began pounding on the roof over our bedroom up on the mountain in the Saint Roch area that overlooks the town of Sallanches, gateway to the Mont-Blanc region. 

I had picked the place because of the incredible view of Mont Blanc at the expense of ease of access and our lackluster accommodations. Today, there was not the tiniest portion of Mont-Blanc to be seen and rain stayed with us for the entire day. Near Annemasse (a French suburb of Geneva) we had lunch with Marcel a former colleague of mine who was teaching skiing in Australia (we hadn’t seen each other for close to 50 years!) 

We caught up with today news, realized that we had all grown old beyond our wildest dreams and envisioned the necessary next steps, both seriously and humorously. Too bad our other friend Gẻrard couldn’t make it, but circumstances are always difficult to always manage successfully…

Mid afternoon, the rain had stopped and we finally made it to what used to be my hometown, my neck of the woods and the skies cleared again as a way to say “Welcome back!” 

The Killy I used to like…

To prepare for the upcoming Alpine world ski championships in Courchevel-Meribel, the “Dauphiné Libéré”, my hometown daily newspaper, has been publishing a series of video interviews of former French world champions, and the last one I saw was Killy’s. 

I used to like Jean-Claude Killy until he fell under the nefarious spell of Vladimir Putin. He was a clear, no-nonsense individual that in fact I admired tremendously to that point that he became my lifetime hero until he fell for the Russian dictator. 

Some say that through his KGB indoctrination, Putin became gifted at playing people, finding their soft spots to lead them to his views and ideas. To me, Killy seemed to smart to fall into that trap, unless his interaction with Putin prior, and doing the Sochi Olympics, made him a much richer man. 

That no one will ever know, so for the time being enjoy watching that video that shows the side of Killy that I used to appreciate so much, that of course, if you understand French! 

Once-a-year re-connection

I enjoyed this Holiday Season a lot, because I finally turned 75 years old and think I got a bit more wiser in the process. 

We also got together and had fun as a small family, and I got in touch with all my friends the world over and most of them showed up for that once-a-year reunion, whether it was on the phone, via video, email or text messaging and all of this it made me feel extremely good.

Staying connected takes a small effort from all of us, and I wish most of my friends whom I’ve not yet heard from would sample the pleasure of showing up in taking just a few moments to express that they’re still there and value our special connection, wherever they might be on our open and so well connected planet!

Getting to be… 75!

Recently, my French buddies from my hometown that are my age got together for a good lunch near a picturesque alpine lake and seemingly had a fabulous time. I got to see the pictures and wish I was there with them to celebrate!

Sure, most of them don’t like exactly the same way they did when we were in our twenties, but they’re still there enjoying their silver years and capable of having fun together. This brings me to the subject of being able to enjoy life to its fullest no matter how far along we are, even as we get dangerously closer to the precipice that will unavoidably “drop” us to the “other side”. 

I think about an empty basket that wait for me, empty at the dawn of each, waiting to be filled. If it has to filled, I might as well put good things, well very, very good things inside it, right? So that become my daily plan, to find good things to place delicately inside my basket, so when the day come to an end I can marvel at its content and let people who are near me share in my amazement. 

I find that approach super simple, always changing, forcing me to think more creatively and so rewarding that I really believe I’ve locked into something really good!

The changing nature of friendship

Over the years our friends come and go. As we move professionally, geographically and as we are busy and focused on supporting young families and careers, regular contacts become more difficult and originally strong friendships may gradually fade away, eventually replaced by new ones as we seem to have only room for a limited number of true, deep relationships. 

In friendship quality and quantity have very little room to coexist! True, friendships can be maintained but at a cost commensurate with the changes listed previously, but it’s often a very hard balancing act. It takes dedication, time, patience, tolerance and a will to build or re-build bridges. Forgetting or letting things slide into the past and oblivion is a lot easier, and as time progresses it becomes the default option for a vast majority of people. 

Then, there’s the unavoidable change in people, there are also arguments that arm or kill friendships; these can be hard to forget or forgive. Along the way, life experiences can make us diverge or get closer from one another, so it’s not surprising that someone who was a great friend in the past doesn’t fit anymore in our life, and conversely someone who was not necessarily close to us, suddenly reveal themselves after many years. 

So friendships are a living organism that can only last, mature and improve if we work hard on it, and it seems to me that the farther along we get into our lives, these continued efforts are very much worth their while.

Reconnecting with an old friend…

Fifty-two years ago I began teaching skiing at the Avoriaz ski school. Not only was I thrilled to work there, but I met a bunch of different and outstanding co-workers. 

Some I knew a little bit, most I didn’t. Among those was a guy by the name of Pierre Meugnier. If I remember correctly, he came from Paris by the way of Leysin, Switzerland where he was a ski instructor at Club Med. I guess that’s where he met, Lisette, his wife to be. 

He was also a mountain guide and was always singing “Mellow Yellow”, Donavan’s hit song at the time. To complete the picture, so to speak, he had lost an eye and wore a glass one instead. 

A few days ago, my friend Anselme told me that Pierre was paralyzed from the waist down, the result of several bouts with cancer. He had also told me that once, I stood for him when he was harassed by a red-neck ski instructor from Morzine (episode I can’t remember). 

So, yesterday I called Pierre who currently moved from his Swiss home at Châtellard, in Switzerland, to a more convenient place in Vallorcine, near Chamonix. We chatted for have been 10 minutes and we both feel great again. 

Yes, as it felt more than half a century ago!

Things we should be able to ask a friend…

We all have friends and we value them at different levels depending on the depth of our friendship. Yet, when something warrants it, I don’t see why we could not contact these friends and ask them for help in a tone and intensity that should match that of the relationship we have with them. 

No matter what is the nature of our demand, it will with certainly impose something on our friends and we should be cognizant of that fact, hence adjust the way in which we ask what we wish. It is very hard to guess exactly what our friends will think or feels when they hear our demand, and the best alternative is to fully place ourselves into their very shoes. 

Of course, the more you know them, their typical reactions, their idiosyncrasies and pet-peeves, the better equipped we’ll be able to understand them, the less difficult (I haven’t said “easy”) this will be. The request has to be respectful and more importantly leave enough room for the friends to ignore, deny or just partially fulfill it.

Like with anything involving some guess work, there is no guarantee the demand will succeed or the friendship won’t be affected, but if the request is both reasonable, valid and most importantly is fully warranted, I believe it’s always worth risking it...

A quiet early fall of 1971

Just fifty years ago, I had returned from Australia and was busy building my new home with the help of my brother Gaston and my Dad. I wasn’t quite sure I wanted a house and wanted to grow roots in my hometown, just next door to my folks. 

I had bigger plans, but they were so fuzzy I couldn’t even see them. The six previous months, my travels around the world had opened up my eyes and I couldn’t see myself growing older in Montriond, even though it was a wonderful place promised to a prosperous future. 

I was now hooked on seeing even more of the world and just couldn’t settle forever in that one place. On weekends we celebrated my return in the company of my friends, all instructors at Avoriaz and our lives were light, easy and without large responsibilities. 

I had a lot of stories to tell and was proud of each one of them. One night, we went out in JF Rosset’s parents car, a Simca 1500 station wagon, along with Anselme Baud, JC Page and François Chauplannaz, had quite a few drinks and Rosset crashed the car in a curve, but we all survived, laughing.

JF Rosset was the only one who didn’t has he had to face his father’s fury. This mishap was just a precautionary warning. In a few weeks darker clouds would come over my head and suddenly change my blissful experience for a much more challenging one…

My first voyage ‘round the world, part 11

One moment of our trip on the Galileo Galilei that will forever remain seared into my memory, is that day when we crossed the Strait of Gibraltar. 

The weather was wonderful, everything was perfect, no worries, no pressure, neither for JP, nor for me, we had everything, nothing was missing, the paradise on earth or "Cloud 9" in a way. 

I, who usually was unable to stand still, always worried and in constant search of something better and more satisfying, had become perfectly calm and completely fulfilled. This iconic snapshot perfectly captures this state of bliss, our complicity and our friendship. 

Jean-Pierre, who passed on September 23, 2020 was an iconoclast, never afraid of anything and was quite a character. Although I did follow him a lot, I didn't do it all the time and that was a good thing. We didn't always agree either, but still remained friends until the end.

 This was true throughout this journey to Australia and continued for almost fifty years!

Would you have a beer with your president?

A good way to evaluate how we relate to someone is to ask the question: “Would I enjoy having a drink or a dinner with so and so?” 

This brings some sort of affinity or social liking into the question and excludes folks that are repulsive, asocial, just aloof or intimidating. 

For instance, among the US Presidents I’ve personally experienced, I think I could have a beer with Biden and enjoy the experience. As for other American presidents, the next I could think of would be George W. Bush, except that I consider him a war criminal and a dimwit.

Barack Obama would come in third even though, maybe because of my age, his sleek speeches, his technocratic style and his being not quite down to earth, I don’t think we could really relate much. 

Ronald Reagan might be a distant fourth and then Bill Clinton would follow (I’ve never liked the guy), George H.W. Bush (the father) might follow and Jimmy Carter would close the line up. 

Then, what about Trump? Never mind, I totally miss that guy; I guess he’s absolutely forgettable, besides he doesn’t drink! 

And you, what would, in that same context, your ranked list with your different heads of state?

Ah! Keeping in touch...

In these days of pandemic, we tend to cocoon and communication, gossip and other forms of interaction with neighbors, family and friends tend to spiral down. 

Sure, communicating is always a challenge, but this worsen when our social life changes like it has over the past thirteen months. 

It’s not rare that I am more informed than my friend and family in France, about events happening there, and that way I often keep them on top of things! I must be an information freak or abnormally curious, or even only capable of putting my nose into other folks’ business... 

Call it what you want but I’m still interested enough to like to know things that are of interest to me or some other. The bottom line is that this pandemic is numbing us hard and it’s incumbent upon us, to pick up the phone, hand-write a note, or shoot some kind of electronic message more often to folks we care about… 

A lifetime of encounters...

The other night I was thinking about all the people I’ve me over the years, the ones that I have forgotten, those I don’t care for, the few I remain in contact with, and the very, very few I still call my friends. 

The crowd is big and at times overwhelming. It’s not because my lifetime, so far, spans on two continents, schooling, many different jobs, projects, or several careers, hobbies and activities of all kinds, that I know more people than most, but still, the list is big. 

It has also certainly contributed to making me what I’ve become today, by challenging me, teaching me and encouraging me along the way.

This initial mental exercise became so captivating and so involved that I’ve decided to somehow put it into a writing form and see what conclusions I can draw from it. 

This appeals to me as a project, the results will certainly surprise me as well as teach me a lot, and I’ll let you know later about my conclusions!

Unknown visitor referred by a “friend”

During the past Christmas Holidays, I got an email from some unknown Frenchman. He inferred he wanted to get together with me and – I assume – ski; yeah, you guessed it, free instruction! 

In it, he said: “I just arrived in Park City with my family for a ski week. I just sent a text to Bruno who told me you lived here. That would be fun to get together. We’re here through December 28.” 

I responded that in case he ignored it that we were in the midst of a pandemic and since I’m well over 70, getting together wouldn’t be such a good idea. I then, sent an email to Bruno asking him if that guy was legit, but I have yet to get a response from that former colleague (ski instructor) of mine. 

All this to say that this is a recurrent situation, in which some folks are thoughtless enough to give one’s address to a perfect stranger, without asking for authorization, or at the very least warning you that one’s will be contacted by that person. Rude, careless and good recipe for embarrassing everyone.