Musharraf lands Deer Valley job

The rumor has been going on for quite sometime; with his party’s electoral defeat, the recent election of Minister Yousaf Raza Gilani and the likely reinstatement of the Pakistani Supreme Court, Pervez Musharraf has been busy applying for a working visa in the United States. It’s not that he wants to leave Pakistan permanently, but he’s just looking for some seasonal work during winter that would let him return home for the monsoon, his favorite season.

It now appears that the former ruler of Pakistan’s armies will begin working in Deer Valley starting next season as his H2B visa application has been approved. “I set my eyes on Deer Valley” said Musharraf “because I wanted to learn how to glide on snow, on the account of their Nr. 1 ranking with Ski Magazine and that none of my enemies will think of looking for me all the way in Utah.” When asked about this rather high-profile hire, Chuck English operations director at the resort said “We’re proud to have Mr. Musharraf joining our staff; we’re all for diversity, and he’ll sure bring a different form of leadership, plus our guests will recognize that our hiring policies have come a long way.” Unidentified sources have told us that the former general will load guests at the Mayflower lift; he originally had asked for the Sultan Express and Empire Express locations, but some high-ranking Deer Valley executives thought that “Mayflower” would be more appropriate for a newcomer to America.

English also told a reporter that originally, Musharraf had asked for either a snow-making position or a snow-grooming job, but Deer Valley’s president Bob Wheaton, thought - as he put it - that “giving Pervez access to snow-guns would be like playing with fire” and having him work amidst a fleet of snow groomers looking like tanks might someday “give our employee the false impression that it might be okay to invade neighboring Park City Mountain Resort or even Brighton” continued Wheaton. One thing is certain; Mr. Musharraf is pleased with his new appointment. “I’ve always been a friend of America and can’t really live without wearing a uniform, besides I’ll be able to see my son who lives in Silicon Valley a bit more often.”

Some photographs have already circulated showing him in the resort’s uniform and wearing his war decorations. Marketing director Colleen Reardon commented that “it would be alright since most visitors are likely to think that this decorative hardware is a neat row of ski pins or a remnant of the Olympics.” No matter what his employer’s representatives are saying, Pervez Musharraf is delighted; “these mountains remind me of Kashmir” he says. As president of Pakistan and short of seeing his election nullified by a re-instated Supreme Court, Mr. Musharraf still controls the nukes in his country. When ask as to whether he’ll bring the “nuclear briefcase” along to the Wasatch Mountains, he replied “I’m not going to worry about that; I’ll leave it home with my wife Sehba, and hopefully we won’t have to use it for the few months I’ll be working here...”

After falling from a mango tree when he was a teenager, Mr. Musharraf was extremely traumatized and as a result never learned to ski, but always thought that snowboarding was much cooler, more in line with his direct style and proffered that at the final Deer Valley job interview. Needless to say that this statement was rather awkward for Bob Wheaton and his management team to hear, as they have no desire to create a precedent just because a former Pakistani military leader might want to drags his knuckles on the way to work. A compromise of sort was found when a local Frenchman stepped out to resolve the situation by letting the new Deer Valley “lifty” use his monoski for the season and learn to get to and back from work on that special board. So everyone is now happy and Mr. Musharraf can’t wait to start next December…