Guess who came for dinner?

It shouldn't be news to the readers of that blog. I regularly interact with Jesus through Skype. So it wasn't long before Jesus accepted an invitation for dinner. Unlike what you would expect, he didn't make an “apparition”.

As one official in Heaven had mentioned to me earlier, “We don't let our senior executive do 'apparitions' anymore. It's too complicated and requires to much paperwork after the fact; we've bought a few drones and we take them where they're needed. No need for pilot or crew, no fuss!”

So I wasn't surprised when I saw a one-passenger, flying-saucer drone, parking in our driveway late afternoon yesterday. We were all uptight and I had prepared a few “talking points” for the occasion. Gaza, Ebola, Ukraine and ISIS, to name a few. Then we had dinner. My wife had prepared some delicious rabbit along with sauteed potatoes, green beans fresh from the market, salad from our veggie garden and we drank a bottle of Argentinian Malbec. For dessert, we had Häagen-Dazs ice cream.

We ate on our covered deck and when it was time to leave, Jesus said: “The dinner was delicious, but the conversation was such a bore! Life isn't that fun at home, so when I make the effort to come to Park City, I'd like to talk about skiing, mountain-biking and hear a few dirty jokes...”

As he closed the hatch of the drone, he added: “You guys better make some substantive efforts!” Not knowing what else to say, I answered: “We'll do our best, I promise...”

Jesus' political views...

Yesterday was my lucky day. When I returned from skiing, Jesus was on Skype and we talked for a few moments:

 Go 11: Hi Jesus,
Jesus: How was skiing today?
Go 11: Pretty good, we only stayed till noon thought. It's spring skiing now.
Jesus: I wouldn't have the slightest idea what spring skiing is. Remember, I wasn't on the Nazareth ski team! What's on you mind today?
Go 11: Just wanted to know you opinion about the Republican Candidates in the U.S. Primaries; have you followed that contest?
Jesus: Actually a little, because three on these guys are continually dropping my name for no good reasons. At first, I kind of liked Tim Pawlenty, but I guess he didn't make it. The four guys left look pretty bad in comparison...
Go 11: What do you think of Romney?
Jesus: He acts like a robot and sounds like a... Mormon missionary – Just kidding!
Go 11: Santorum?
Jesus: Dumb and useless.
Go 11: The two other fellows?
Jesus: Well I kind of like Gingrich, he sounds like an old car salesman and he's fat like Santa Claus, but I can't stand his new wife, what's her name, Calistoga?
Go 11: No, Callista, but that's alright...
Jesus: As for Ron Paul, I think he's getting delusional. That might be the age... Who did you vote for ?
Go 11: I thought I told you Jesus, I am an independent...

Rapture rupture

When the rapture failed to happen yesterday, I got lucky and connected with Jesus on Skype, early this morning. Here's how our conversation went...

Go11: Hello Jesus! So no “rapture” yesterday?
Jesus: Nope. I actually heard about that news, last night on the internet, well after it was supposed to happen. To be frank, I had even never heard of Harold Camping!
Go11: I wasn't under the spell either; I went skiing in Snowbird and at one time, an avalanche roared down in Alta and I thought it was it!
Jesus: Don't worry, we won't do the “rapture” thing! It would be energy-inefficient to lift up all these people into heaven. We're into sustainable operations these days. We'd make sure they die first, then we'd transfer their souls electronically into heaven. That's quick, easy and no one gets hurt!
Go11: So was the rapture story in the bible untrue?
Jesus: I wouldn't say that, but we need to keep up with times and be responsible citizens.
Go11: Just between you and me, and while I have you on the line, can you tell me when the end of the world is scheduled, if you can of course?
Jesus: Frankly, we haven't the foggiest idea. That's a big project and we need first to make up room for all these new guests. I don't see it before the next couple of centuries, well after the world population stabilizes at around 18 billion or so. At that point, we may simplify the program and get everyone in, not just 2 or 3 percent. Besides, that "trial and tribulation" exercise is far too much work!
Go11: Good, I feel much better. Have a good day Jesus!

Dad stories

Last night I lucked out and, once more, got Jesus on Skype. The video picture was bad, Jesus told me it must have been my computer, but as always, I didn't quite believe him. The conversation went something like that:

Jesus: What are you up to Go11?
Go11: Just returned from New Orleans and, as always, glad to be back home.
Jesus: The “Big Easy” is always cool, I like it there, particularly the food; I'm also a big jazz fan. So what's on your mind today?
Go11: I was just wondering; what's been your relationship with your dad?
Jesus: Which one? Joseph or the Big Kahuna?
Go11: I meant the Palestinian, you know the woodworker; I wasn't thinking about the big boss; I actually had not thought at all about him. That for sure complicates the question...
Jesus: Not really; till I was about 25 years old, the “big boss” as you call him left me pretty much alone. Joseph wanted me to take over the family business, but I never like sawdust and splinters. I thought I was too smart for pounding nails, I guess...
Go 11: !
Jesus: But Dad, as I called Joseph was a real neat guy. He let me drive the donkey cart by myself when I was barely 9 years old and was cool about anything I'd do. Mom consistently was a real pain, but not Dad.
Go11: Then, what about the “big boss” then?
Jesus: He was a tough customer. He always asked me to go and make speeches, be controversial, make miracles, get in trouble. You know what all that led to... With him it wasn't fun; he would really lean on me and always get his way. It's not that I disliked him, but he was just unpleasant and tough.
Go11: What's your relationship with him these days?
Jesus: He pretty ignores me now. We get together for our regular business meetings and those aren't as productive as they used to be. We've cut down a lot on miracles and revelations. We don't recruit new prophets anymore and between you and me, we've long canceled the “second coming,” we just couldn't agree on certain details and on a time line that would make sense for us and would create the most spectacular impact possible. In the same vain, I personally never liked the idea of “rapture.” I thought it was corny to start with and would be too much work to implement.
Go11: So what's your current plan for the end of times?
Jesus: We don't really have one; for the time being we'll play it by hear and we also have asked the Holy Spirit to come up with some novel idea, provided of course it can think out of the box, for a change...
Go11: I was under the impression that the Holy Spirit was pretty smart?
Jesus: Don't get me started on that character and its alleged smart mind; let's keep that for another chat on Skype...
Go11: Okay Jesus, thanks for your time and your insights; I always enjoy them!

Jesus and Health Care reform

My former neighbor who now live in Arizona recently sent me one of these vitriolic “chain-emails” that only morons would forward, in which president Obama's effort to fix health care mess are unfairly criticized. This prompted my calling Jesus on Skype...

Jesus: What's on your mind Go11?
Go11: I wanted to know what you thought of president Obama's drive to fix health care...
Jesus: He better get going with that and fast! Do you guys realize that you're spending twice your share of GDP compared to the rest of the so-called civilized world?
Go11: But why are all these Republicans refusing to work with him?
Jesus: Because they've been able to tap on their constituency's selfishness and hypocrisy!
Go11: How come?
Jesus: Well if you are insured through your employer, you just don't care. If you have a bit of intelligence, you should know that steep and constant insurance rate increases are unsustainable and something will eventually break, but if you listen to the conservative radio talk shows, you don't even believe the country is on the brink of health care implosion. Then there are those who are on medicare, which precisely is “big government health care”, but works so well for them that they don't want to share this form of “socialized medicine” with those who can't get coverage...
Go11: A bunch of hypocrites, right?
Jesus: Totally, and besides I'm going to keep tab on all them and make sure St. Peter quick them in the ass straight down to hell as soon as they attempt to get a seat in heaven!

Happy Birthday

A few days late, I was able to connect with Jesus on Skype to wish him a happy birthday. This time the video was working, making the interaction all the more rewarding...

Go11: I know I'm a few days late, but I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday.
Jesus: No problem, thanks anyway!
Go11: Is it true that you're still 33?
Jesus: Yeah, that's how things work up here, but I'm not going to get into how these birthday rules work...
Go11: Was Santa good to you? What did you get?
Jesus: A mountain bike; I'll use it to get around on short errands.
Go11: Which brand?
Jesus: Sorry, I've no idea. You should know I'm not into that.
Go11: Why not get a regular bike, you don't need suspensions where you live?
Jesus: Mountain bikes are perhaps a bit heavier, but in the long run, they're more durable...
Go11: What did you get last year?

Jesus: An iPhone, but since we have no cell service up here - just Skype and the prayers - I use it to listen to music, play a few games and take pictures.
Go11: What are you doing the rest of this holiday?
Jesus: I plan to go and see Avatar, you know the movie with the special glasses? That should be fun! By the way, when are you going to come and see me?
Go11: To be perfectly honest, I'm in no special hurry. I'd like to wait a bit longer down here.
Jesus: Be careful, the place's getting crowded; you might want to make a reservation, that is, if you qualify...
Go11: ?
Jesus: Right, you might find out you don't.
Go11: Thanks for the heads-up Jesus, I'll do my best to catch up!

Jesus and Afghanistan

Since the weather has been so cold, I stayed home and watched who was on Skype all day. This is how I was able to catch Jesus yesterday evening...

Jesus: No skiing today?
Go11: Are you kidding, it's 2 pm and still 12 degrees Fahrenheit out!
Jesus: How cold is that in Celsius?
Go11: I knew you'd ask; minus eleven!
Jesus: So what do you want to talk about today?
Go11: Afghanistan. Just was curious about what you thought of President Obama's “surge?”
Jesus: It's not going to work; you see all the Afghans are sick and tired of having foreign armies telling them what to do and the only thing on their mind is “how can we get rid of them all?” Occupation never works. I remember when the Romans were in Palestine we hated those guys, but they eventually got kicked out and lost all of their huge empire in the process...
Go11: The idea though is to go after the Talibans
Jesus: Are the Talibans Swiss? No, they're Afghans. I see them as a form or resistance to the occupier. What you are up against is just semantics; Talibans, al Qeada, Boston Celtics, it doesn't matter, they're just after one single outcome, get the US and Nato out of their country. You're trowing good money after bad, placing your youth into arms way and to me, this is just another proof of how influential your military and industry complexed is.

I couldn't resist but correct:
Go11: “Military-industrial complex”
Jesus: Sheesh...
Go11: But what are we to do?
Jesus: Do what I tell everyone who wants to listen. The roots of that middle east mess are found in my home country. Work on the Palestinian situation. Make it into a single state and have these folks learn how to get along. I have said that for almost 2,000 years, but no one seems to get it.
Go11: Gotcha; I'll tell Hillary.
Jesus: No, not her! Tell Barack; give him my Skype number.

Jesus and the environment

Yesterday was a snowy day, and since I had nothing better to do, I notice that Jesus has just logged into Skype. I called and as always got an audio-only response.
 
Jesus: Hi! Is it you Go11? I see you've got snow coming to Park City... 
Go11: Right, but we're not expecting much; how have you been?
Jesus: Not too busy; it's the off-season there too. What's on your mind?
Go11: The Copenhagen summit on the environment. Do you really buy this global warming trend?
Jesus: You bet; with you and the Chinese spewing so much bad staff into the upper atmosphere, what else can you expect?
Go11: Okay, could you slow it down? I'd still want to ski for a few more seasons...
Jesus: When I see a Prius inside your garage, maybe we'll have a constructive conversation.
Go11: I know, I'm a bit of a procrastinator, but on the whole, I'm pretty good. I recycle, compost, grow my own salads, don't water my lawn and have installed new furnaces this spring...
Jesus: You should have gone geothermal!
Go11: Right, but it was three times the cost and the tax-credits were not really worth it...
Jesus: Never heard something as dumb as that. Your tax breaks more valuable than the environment!
Go11: Well your dad started it all when he said to Adam and Eve “grow and multiply,” we're now six and a half billion on this planet!
Jesus: My dad never quite said that, besides he warned that man should be “good steward to the earth” and if the first couple had deciphered the fine print on the other side of the warning label, you know the one that says "illegal to remove," it clearly stated “maximum occupancy: 2 billion.” I realize that Adam and Eve couldn't read, but your grand-parents were able to. You guys are a bunch of cry-babies!
Go11: Alright, don't get mad; how can we fix that?
Jesus: Raise more predators to get rid of the excess population, re-introduce tigers and lions in big city streets, pour tons of sharks and alligators around Malibu, St. Tropez and the other beach resorts and let pumas and grizzlies roam bars, shops and ski runs in your mountain ski towns. You'll see a dent in population really fast!
Go11: I see what you mean, but that's not quite "PC" and it's real hard to implement. Can't you intervene, say in a more godly way?
Jesus: I've tried the tsunami thing, but the earth internal pipes have become so corroded that the whole thing hit people that didn't deserve it and I won't try it again, at least for a moment. Besides, I'm done with miracles; It's time for you to clean up your own mess!
Go11: Thanks for being so helpful, Jesus!

On Skype with Jesus...

Remember when I told you that I had got Jesus' Skype address? Well this morning, after countless attempts, I was finally able to connect with the man. What follow is our first – albeit short – conversation. Remember, there was no webcam, it was just audio...Jesus: Who is it?
Go11: It's me, Go Eleven!
Jesus: No idea who you are; what do you want?
Go11: Just wanted to say hi and be able to tell my friends that I had you on the phone...
Jesus: That's sounds really vain.
Go11: I know, but I'll keep it quiet, I'll just use this interview for my blog and I'll post the thing on Facebook. I just want all of my friends to know that I have connections in high places and that way I might get more respect.
Jesus: Okay, what do want to talk about?
Go11: I guess the economy and my investments. You see, I wonder when it's a good time to get back into the market?
Jesus: I have no idea; I'm probably like you, I'm liquid at the moment.
Go11: I know it's hard, but do you think it will be a “V” or a “U” kind of a recovery?
Jesus: I already told you, I really don't know. St Peters says it's gonna be a “W” one, but when I asked my mom who seems to know everything and ends up being always right, she said, I wish it'd be a “J” one like in Jesus, but she fears it's gonna be a “L” one as in Lucifer...

Just at this moment, the sound faded and we had been disconnected. Skype still has a long technical way to go...

Interviews with Jesus

I've known sister Mireille for a long time. Actually, I knew her long before she became a nun in Lourdes, France where she now resides and attend to her duties. Over the years, she's developed a tight relationship with Mary, Jesus' mom and I wasn't totally surprised when she told me that she obtained Jesus' Skype address from her, and I suddenly was in business, ready for a series of interview with the person, that at least in my view, is still more popular than the Beatles. As you would imagine, getting through Jesus isn't that easy, even on Skype.

When it's attended, the line is generally busy and the times at which Jesus is at the computer are totally random which makes connecting with him more a matter of luck than an orderly process. No, there's is no webcam, at least in the two times we've been chatting, I had to deal with a blank screen. Like you, I wonder how he now looks like... In the upcoming blogs, expect a to read some of the interviews that will be conducted with him and, if all goes as planned, we should have some pretty amazing stories between now and the end of the year, so just keep on visiting my blog and look for some exclusive material likely to shake your socks off!